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When Your Co-Parent Tries to Control You
- 6 days ago
- 3 min read
One of the hardest dynamics in co-parenting isn’t the logistics.
It’s control.
Not the obvious kind. Not always shouting or overt demands.
But the subtle, strategic, emotionally loaded attempts to control your reactions, your decisions, your finances, your time, your kids and your world.
If you’re co-parenting with someone who thrives on control, you’ll know the feeling.
The handovers where you're sitting around waiting without any notice.
The last-minute changes.
The lack of financial support.
The lack of cooperation.
The one where the public image that doesn’t match the private behaviour.
And the constant undertone of: “I need to feel like I’m winning.”
What Control Really Looks Like
Control in co-parenting doesn’t always show up as dominance.
Sometimes it looks like:
Withholding payments but flaunting spending elsewhere
Ignoring agreements but demanding flexibility
Creating urgency so you feel pressured
Provoking you and then pointing to your reaction
Painting you as “difficult” if you enforce boundaries
Control is often less about the practical issue, and more about emotional leverage.
When someone can no longer control you emotionally the way they once did, they may look for other access points:
Money
The children
Time
Communication
The Double Bind
Here’s the part that exhausts so many parents:
No matter what you choose, it can feel like you're in a lose lose.
If you say yes, it feels like they “win.”
If you say no, you risk being villainised and your kids missing out.
If you hold boundaries, you’re labelled difficult.
If you’re flexible, they push even further.
This is the psychological double bind of high-conflict co-parenting.
And it can slowly chip away at your confidence if you let it.
The Truth About Control
Here’s what most people miss:
Control only works if it creates an emotional reaction.
If you are constantly defending, explaining, justifying, reacting, you are still in the control loop.
But when you:
Respond calmly or not at all
Stick to facts
Enforce boundaries without emotional charge
Make decisions based on your child, not your ego
The dynamic shifts.
Not because they change.
But because you do.
You Cannot Win a Power Struggle by Competing in It
If someone thrives on control, they thrive on reaction.
Arguing feeds it.
Over-explaining feeds it.
Trying to prove your yourself feeds their ego and maintain the need for you to keep being in coat with them holding them in control
Disengaged strength starves them of the attention they crave
This doesn’t mean you tolerate mistreatment or enable it.
It doesn’t mean you avoid legal enforcement if necessary.
It doesn’t mean you collapse your standards and scrap your boundaries.
It means you stop trying to win emotionally.
You move from: “Look what they’re doing to me.”
To: “What is within my control right now?”
What Is Actually In Your Control?
Your tone.
Your boundaries.
Your documentation.
Your response time.
Your emotional regulation.
Your decision-making process.
And most importantly, your integrity.
Taking back control on your side looks like remaining firm without fire. It’s saying no without overexplaining. It’s enforcing boundaries without demanding they understand or agree.
When you stop asking them to justify their behaviour, because you already know they won’t, you remove yourself from the cycle. You don’t need their accountability to hold your own line.
When you make decisions based on:
Your child’s wellbeing
Your long-term stability
Your values
You remove yourself from their game.
The Hardest Part
Let’s be honest.
Sometimes what hurts most isn’t the control attempt.
It’s the unfairness.
It’s watching someone avoid responsibility while maintaining an image.
It’s carrying the all the pressure while they avoid it.
It’s being the stable parent while they focus on their social media image.
That sting is real.
But reacting from that wound will only deepen it.
The Shift
When you stop asking: “How do I make them stop?”
And start asking: “How do I stay calm regardless?”
That’s when your power returns.
Control loses its power when it no longer gets a reaction.
And over time, your child will see:
Who was consistent.
Who was calm.
Who was safe.
Not who posted the best photos.
If you’re tired of feeling pulled into their controlling mind games and ready to step out of that cycle for good, then let me show you how.
You don’t have to keep reacting. You don’t have to stay stuck in their emotional grip. There is a way to co-parent without getting sucked in and I teach it every day. Click Below and let's chat through this.
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