Deciding What’s Right When It Comes to Gift Giving as Co-Parents

With Mother’s Day coming up this weekend here in Australia, as well as in a number of other countries like New Zealand, Canada, and the US, I wanted to touch on something that can feel a little tricky when you’re co-parenting, and working out what the “right” thing to do is when it comes to gift giving.

And this doesn’t just apply to Mother’s Day. It applies to Father’s Day, birthdays, Christmas, any occasion where your child might want to give something to the other parent.

I’m going to speak from my own personal experience here.

As most of you all know, I’ve been single parenting for 12 years now, and in that time I’ve never received a gift from my daughter’s father for Mother’s Day.

The same goes for birthdays and Christmas, there’s never been a present organised on his end for her to give to me.

And I’m not saying that from a place of resentment, because I’ve never expected it. But if I’m being honest, do I think it’s the right thing to do, to arrange a gift for the kids to give the other parent? Yes, I do.

Not trying to boast or show off but this is something I’ve always made sure my daughter didn't miss out on when it comes to her dad. Whether that’s been paying for the Father’s Day stall at school, or organising a gift myself, and taking her shopping so she can choose something for him or at times I would do both.

The thing is, it's also always me doing the same for myself for Mother’s Day, I’ve paid for the school Mother's Day stall, and now that she’s older, she loves being able to pick something herself, so I’ll give her my card and she’ll go out and choose something for me.

It's never crossed my ex's mind to do the same thing for me as I do for him when it comes to gift giving, or maybe it has and he just doesn't care enough (which is highly likely)

But why I still choose to do it even when he doesn't do the same in return is because it has never been about how I feel about him. It’s never been about whether I think he deserves it (secretly, I don't think he does). And it’s definitely never been about proving a point.

It’s about my daughter.

Because kids love giving. They love being part of it. They love choosing something, handing it over, and feeling like they've done something special. It makes them feel proud, and important.

Seeing the other parent smile and feel excited about something they picked out creates a moment that means a lot to them. That’s what they’re looking for. That’s what they love.

So, when you find yourself in that position of wondering, “Do I get something? Do I not?”, I really encourage you to take your emotions out of it for a second and bring it back to your kids.

What are they wanting to do?

Because at the end of the day, your ex is not in your life for you anymore, they’re in your life because you share children. And these moments aren’t about your relationship with them; they’re about your kid's.

Now, I also want to acknowledge this, there were years where I simply couldn’t go above the basics. I was in a very tight financial position, and buying a gift for my ex wasn’t something I could justify. When I was doing it tough financially especially when he wasn't even paying child support, I had to prioritise what was essential.

So, this isn’t about putting yourself under financial pressure or stretching yourself beyond your means just to “do the right thing.”

It’s about doing what you can, within your situation.

But if you are in a position where you can support your child in giving a gift, and that’s something they’re wanting to do, then I do believe that’s where your focus should be.

Not out of obligation. Not out of guilt. But because of how it makes your kid's feel.

Because this isn’t about keeping score. It’s not about fairness. And it’s definitely not about letting your feelings toward your ex drive your decisions.

It’s about your kids feeling special, appreciated, seen, and feeling loved.

And that’s what they’ll remember.

So, coming into this weekend, or any other special day throughout the year try to keep that front of mind.

It's not what your ex has or hasn’t done. It's not what you think they deserve. (because they probably don't deserve anything) It's about what feels right for your kids.

Lastly, if you’re reading this and your immediate reaction is “there is no way I’m doing that”, or you feel a lot of resistance, anger, or hurt around the idea, then that’s something you really need to acknowledge.

Because that means there are still a lot of unresolved emotions sitting underneath all that.

And that’s okay, but that’s also where your focus needs to be.

Not on your ex, but on working through what you’re still holding to so it’s not driving your decisions. It's about emotionally detaching from them.

So, if you're ready to process those emotions, create that separation, and get you to a place where you’re making decisions based on what’s right for you and your kids, not based on hurt, resentment, or what the other parent is or isn’t doing.

Then we need to chat, let’s work through it together.

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