The Real Issue with the Gender Debate

One of the biggest patterns I’m seeing lately is the growing anger between genders.

Men hating women. Women hating men.

You see it everywhere now. In comments, on social media, in conversations around dating. It’s becoming more and more normal for people to speak about the opposite gender with resentment, frustration, and more often than not outright hostility.

And the more I see it, the clearer it becomes where a lot of it is coming from.

Breakups.

Not just the breakup itself, but the hurt, the anger, and bitterness that people carry with them afterwards.

When someone goes through a painful breakup, it’s very easy for that experience to turn into a story about an entire gender. One woman hurts a man, and suddenly all women are manipulative or only interested in money. One man hurts a woman, and suddenly all men are emotionally unavailable, incapable of commitment or they’re completely absent and unavailable fathers.

But most of the time, what we’re actually seeing isn’t hatred toward a gender.

It’s unprocessed pain.

Because of the work I do, I see this dynamic all the time. I get comments from people who know absolutely nothing about my personal journey, yet they straight away make assumptions because I’m a female talking about breakups and single parenting, and for those that haven’t worked through their own breakup, my work becomes a triggering topic for them.

I’ve had people tell me I must have failed as a wife. That I must have taken everything from my ex and I should give it all back. That I should have tried harder to make the relationship work. With zero understanding on why I left or what I went through.

And none of those comments come anywhere near close to my true story.

So, when I read comments like that, I don’t take them personally. Because I know when people say these things without knowing my situation, that it’s not about me.

These comments are coming from someone who is still hurt. Someone who is still angry. Someone who hasn’t processed what happened in their own relationship, so they project those feelings onto the first person who represents the opposite gender in front of them. And as someone that publicly talks about this topic, that makes me an easy target for anyone that hasn’t let go of those feelings towards their ex.

And unfortunately, social media gives people the perfect platform to do that.

This isn’t something that only happens with men either. Women do the exact same thing. One painful relationship can lead to sweeping statements about how all men behave, it comes from both sides.

But when you step back and look at it, you can see what’s really happening.

A painful and negative experience with one person has turned into a belief about everyone of that gender.

And here’s what’s really important to understand. It’s not necessarily that the hurt came from the breakup itself. Even though breakups do bring up a lot of pain they also trigger those old inner wounds, that past unhealed pain that has been pushed to the side and ignored hoping it will disappear.

Childhood wounds get reopened. Old feelings of not being good enough. Old fears of failure. Old desires to be accepted, to be appreciated, to be loved, and acknowledged.

When those old wounds get triggered alongside the fresh wounds of a breakup, that becomes a lot for anyone to process.

And if you’re not actually dealing with it, all that pain, both the old and the new emotions only continue to get pushed down. You put on a brave face. You pretend you’re fine. You tell yourself you’re strong.

But those emotions are still there. You still quietly hold on to all the old resentment and frustration, that end up coming out in ways that are far bigger than the actual situation. That’s when you see the growing anger toward men and women as a result of all the unprocessed hurt resurfacing.

The thing is Breakups hurt. There’s no way around that.

But most of the time, the emotions people are feeling aren’t just about what their ex did.

Breakups often trigger much deeper wounds than we realise. And instead of sitting with those emotions and trying to understand them or work through them, it’s much easier to blame the other person. Or even, blame an entire gender.

Self-reflection is uncomfortable. It forces you to ask questions most people would rather avoid. Were there red flags I ignored? What boundaries didn’t I set? Why Did I cling on to this relationship when I knew it wasn’t right? What did this relationship reveal about me and how can I grow from this going forward?

Those questions are hard. They require honesty and vulnerability.

That’s why blaming everyone else is the much easier option.

Because when you’re already feeling not good enough. When you’re already feeling like a failure. When you’re already feeling like you’ve done something wrong.

Having to step back, take accountability, and look inwards can feel like adding even more blame onto yourself. And that’s something a lot of people don’t want to do.

They’re already at the lowest of lows. Already doubting themselves. Already carrying shame, guilt, disappointment and a sense of failing.

So naturally, stepping back to self-reflect feels like it’s just going to make things worse. Like you’re just piling on more guilt, more failure, more “I’m not good enough.”

But what so many people don’t understand is that self reflection doesn’t actually make you feel worse. It actually does the complete opposite.

Self-reflection isn’t about punishing yourself. It’s about understanding what’s actually happening, seeing where your triggers come from, and recognizing how old wounds might be getting triggered by new situations, like how the breakup has triggered old emotions in you and learning how to understand that.

So, instead its easier to overlook and completely avoid this process by pretending they’re fine, they think they’ve moved on simply because they’ve pushed their emotions down. They tell themselves to toughen up, move on quickly, stay busy, and not think about it. Let’s pretend like those feelings don’t exist.

Then something triggers them. A post online. A conversation about relationships. Someone talking about their own breakup.

Suddenly all that anger and resentment comes flooding back out again, often directed at people who have nothing at all to do with the original situation.

And that’s when you start seeing the comments, the hostility, and the growing divide between men and women.

But the most valuable thing someone can do after a breakup is to step back and ask themselves a simple question.

What can I learn from this?

Not to blame themselves, and not to excuse what the other person may have done. But to understand what that experience revealed. Because if we never reflect on what happened, there’s a good chance you’ll continue to repeat the same patterns again.

The truth is that the growing hostility between men and women isn’t really about men or women at all. A lot of it is about people carrying pain they haven’t dealt with yet. Pain that gets projected onto strangers. Pain that turns into assumptions, accusations, and generalisations about people we don’t even know.

But when someone actually takes the time to process their hurt, understand their triggers, and acknowledge both old and new wounds, something interesting happens.

They stop seeing the world as men versus women.

They stop blaming everyone else for why their life turned out the way it did.

They start seeing people as individuals.

And if you ask me that’s the change society needs more of right now. Not more blame, not more division, but more willingness to pause, reflect, and understand what our experiences are actually trying to teach us.

More willingness to work through our emotions. More willingness to understand why we feel the way we do. More willingness to learn from our current situation. Because that’s what life is all about.

Life is a constant learning process. We are always growing, always evolving. Every difficult situation, every challenge, every heartbreak or setback is there to teach us something, to make us stronger, wiser, more aligned with who we truly are.

If we don’t learn from our experiences, we’re doomed to repeat the same patterns over and over. In dating, friendships, family dynamics, finances, nothing changes until we do. That’s why so many people get stuck in the same cycles, and why so much of the anger between men and women comes from repeating patterns instead of learning from them.

The most confident, powerful move you can make isn’t blaming others. It’s stepping back and asking: What did I learn? What can I do differently next time?

When you reflect, you start to show up differently. You stop begging for approval. You stop feeling like everything is your fault. You stop fighting to make things work at any cost. You start showing up as your most authentic self, that is aligned with what you truly want instead of living life focussing on what everyone else wants or what other people expect of you. It becomes about you and what feels right for you.

Now, I know there’s a lot more happening with the whole gender divide in the world at the moment, and there’s a whole different layer beyond breakups. However so much of that tension and divide could improve if people actually took a step back, self-reflected, and took accountability.

But most don’t want to, it’s easier to blame, to let ego, control, and proving a point take over. That’s exactly why it’s so valuable to focus on what you can learn, to step back and reflect. Life is not a competition, and it isn’t about proving a point or fighting to be better than anyone else. It’s about learning, it’s about becoming the best version of yourself, and being better than you were yesterday.

Each relationship, each challenge, each hardship is an opportunity to learn, grow, and step into a stronger version of yourself. If you’re not learning, life will keep presenting the same lessons until you do.

So take this as your sign: step back, process, and really pay attention to what life is trying to teach you.

Because the most powerful thing a breakup can give you isn’t resentment.

It’s self-awareness.

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